It can be very difficult to comfort someone dealing with grief. People often do not know what to do or say and may even avoid conversations for fear of saying the wrong thing. Everyone will face grief at some point in life, but everyone deals with it differently. A parent’s grief can be especially difficult, as you are also mourning the loss of someone close to you.
While there is no “right” way to deal with sadness and loss, there are some appropriate things you can do to bring comfort and convey your sympathy.
- Be there: To those grieving, it can seem like everyone scatters after the funeral is over. This is when they need friends and family the most, yet they are often left alone. People sometimes stay away because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing. Some fear they may be too emotional and make the grieving person cry, but all those fears are unfounded. The most important thing you can do for a grieving parent or friend is to show up and listen.
- Listen: The best way to support your parent’s grief is to listen to their stories – both the happy and sad versions. Their loss was significant, and they need to talk about their trauma to begin to make sense of what has happened. Those experiencing loss have a deep need to speak openly about their loved ones, even though people often assume the opposite. In reality, talking about their loved one and remembering them is of paramount importance to a grieving person. So even if you’ve heard the stories a hundred times, just listen. Resist the urge to offer advice unless it is requested.
- Don’t try to fix things: The reality is that you can’t fix the situation, so don’t try. Think carefully about what you say, and resist offering platitudes like “you’ll get through this” or “they’re in a better place now.” Grief is not a problem to be solved. There is no way to avoid grief – as hard as it is, grief must be walked through. Be ready just to hold a hand to help them through their extremely intense emotions. Assisting a parent through their grief will be one of the most challenging things you have ever done, so be patient with yourself – and with them.
- Recognize their grief is unique: Everyone’s grief process is different, and there is no “right” way to experience it. While most people want to talk, some may wish to stay silent, and that’s valid too. Don’t judge any individual’s grief, as there is no handbook for walking through the process.
- Remove your ego: Your parent’s grief is deeply personal, and their emotions will likely be all over the place. If they yell or lash out, don’t take it personally. If they don’t act normally or don’t reach out to keep up communication, realize it is not about you. They are going through intense pain, and you cannot make their emotions about you.
- Anticipate needs: Many people offer to help, but a grieving person rarely reaches out for help. Instead of asking if you can help, show up and help. Bring over meals, do the laundry, clean the house, or run necessary errands for your loved one – no asking necessary. If you have been involved in their daily life before, you will likely understand what needs to be done. But if not, look around and take care of what needs doing.
- Invite them: One of the most painful effects of losing a spouse is that the invitations to dinners and parties often dry up. Whether couples no longer want to invite a single widower or feel uncomfortable doing so, grieving people are often left out of the social loop. A great way to help your parents deal with their grief is to keep them engaged with life via lunches, dinners, or walks along the beach.
One final way to help with your parent’s grief is to ensure they are taking care of themselves- getting adequate sleep, eating well, and going outside for exercise. And because you are also grieving, take care of yourself as well. This may be an excellent opportunity to reconnect with a parent and care for each other.
A Banyan Residence provided compassionate memory care and assisted living in the Venice and Sarasota area.
