Grief is the representation of a lost connection with someone you love. This emotion is natural regardless of our age or stage of life. Yet somehow, adults are expected to “handle” their parent’s death as a matter of course. While we may understand the reality of mortality more comprehensively than when we were younger, does that make the death of a parent any easier? Does our grief diminish because our parents lived a long life? In this article, we will discuss the true impact of grief, acknowledging that it is a genuine emotion, regardless of our age or the age of our loved one.
Deep Parental Connections and Grief
We sometimes gloss over the depth of connection we share with our parents. No matter how our lives have moved on – whether we now have our spouse, children, or friends – a parent’s death represents the loss of one of our primary life connections. Adults often take this time to reflect on who their parents were, all they sacrificed when we were young, all the challenges they faced. They may see them as unique human beings for the first time in a long time.
Before a parent dies, our brain understands that they will die someday in the future. But that knowledge doesn’t spare us from the grief when we lose them. As adults, we still go through the five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages help us learn to move on with life after our parents have died.
- Denial: Although many think denial unhealthy, it helps us to cope with the shock and pace our emotional reaction. Our mind’s method is to let in only as much as we can handle. Denial is typically not denying that they passed, but disbelief that you will never hear their voice again, or you won’t be picking them up for lunch next Thursday. Denial helps us accept the reality that our parent is gone at a pace we can accept.
- Anger: Anger is necessary for healing, and we should not stifle this emotion. The more authentically you truly feel anger, the faster it can dissipate. You may feel angry that your parent didn’t take better care of themselves or angry at doctors that you feel didn’t do enough to help them. You may feel guilt or express blame towards others. Anger is not necessarily logical or valid, so don’t try to figure out where it is coming from. you can’t change things, so truly feel the emotion and allow it to run its course. Anger affirms that you can feel that your love was real and that your loss is impactful.
- Bargaining: Before they pass away, you may look for ways to “bargain” to save them. Once they are gone, bargaining looks more like being caught in an endless loop of “what if” or “if only” statements. Like the other phases, the bargaining stage moves us safely through processing our emotions and helps us to believe – even for a short time – that we can bring order out of chaos. Bargaining can move us into the future, allowing us to make deals in our mind “when I see them again.”
- Depression: After the above stages, we are ready to sit with our emotions in the present. Grief can sometimes feel the deepest at this point, as we have exhausted all of our defense mechanisms and are faced with reality. This stage may feel terminal, and you may wonder if you are experiencing mental illness. However, most are simply progressing through the process naturally and appropriately. The loss of a parent is a very sad situation – there is no way around it. You may feel that there is no way out of depression, but the best way through it is to confront it. Allow the sadness and explore your loss.
- Acceptance: At some point, we will accept that our new situation is permanent and our loved one is truly gone. We don’t have to like this reality, but we can learn to accept it and move on with our own “new normal.” We are not dead, and we need to heal and get on with living.
In the end, we need to be kind to ourselves. The loss of a parent can rock our entire foundation, and our emotions may surprise us for months and years to come. The death of a parent requires us to live in a reality we can’t fully prepare for. Little by little, we put the loss into perspective – but we cannot do so until we process our grief and allow it to flow through us in a healthy way.
A Banyan Residence provides caring and compassionate care for Venice area seniors needing assisted living or memory care services.
